Second Time Around Sucks Just as Much

You'd think that on the second time around, it would be easier.  It's not.

I lost my fifth pregnancy on May 16th, this is the second time.  I would have been 7 weeks and 6 days.  I was due December 27, which will be a hard day this year.  It is the day before my daughter's 7th birthday, and also the day I thought I would have brought a new blessing into our lives, hopefully a baby girl, to bless J with the little sister she has always wanted.  Now December 27th will be just another day.  I probably will be the only one who remembers it was supposed to be something different.

The week that has passed since the miscarriage has been difficult, of course.  I am numb.  Lost.  I am not sure what I want now.  I *KNEW* I wanted another child, another baby to love, and to help grow into a beautiful person.  Now that has been taken from me, I want to avoid the pain I am currently experiencing.  What are the odds?  Will this happen again?  Is it because I am "old"?  Because I am fat?  Why did this happen?  How can I ensure it won't happen again?  The only *for sure* answer is to not get pregnant again.  Is that what I want?

I wonder, think, ponder, that this happened because my hormones are not correct.  I have too much body fat.  So that generally means=I have too much estrogen.  Too much of a certain hormone will not make a pregnancy easier.  So now I wonder, what do I do?  Something drastic?  Something middle-of-the-road?  I know I want the easiest and quickest way to get a healthy pregnancy, but what is that?  I hace the constant desire to not be as "fat" to be healthier.  But how do I get there?  And how will I have the strength to get there?  I have lost weight before, and I end up where I am now anyways, unsuccessful, and still fat.  Why even bother?  Well, now it has more significance.  That is why I wonder, should I do something more drastic?

I have a handful of friends who have had bariatric surgery.  Which has been sucessful for them.  But with a HUGE financial cost.  The quickest way is to get a personal loan, and pay out of pocket.  The longer road is to get the insurance to pay for it, and then pay a smaller out-of-pocket expense, but still not a small amount.  Is that how I will have a successful pregnancy?

My biological clock is ticking.  Is this the time to make some sacrifices for myself, to take the time and get me healthy, via a bariatric surgery?  Or do I attempt (as I have *multiple* times in the past) a diet?  I attempted both roads before.  I didn't qualify for a personal loan, to pay out of pocket.  I am sure I could now.  And what other means do I have? 

I need to be healthy.  Right now, to me, that means I need to lose weight.  Then get pregnant.  Once something is taken from you, doesn't everybody just want it back??  I want it back, but better.  I want a healthy pregnancy.  I am so lost right now, the road to that is blurred, but I will find it.

Try Try Again....

Well, unfortunately our attempt to add another baby to our lovely family in 2012 has ended.

We started trying to conceive in Jaunary, with the excitement and promise of a beautiful baby.  We were not successful until our third cycle in March.  That is definately not a long time to try, just hard to do when we are sometimes on opposite shifts.  We were so excited!  The prospect of 2 cousins born close together was exciting, and the thought of sharing my  pregnancy with my sister was an unexpected blessing.

We were so excited we shared the news before the 12th week with our family and close friends.  We had even told the kids, and they were so excited.  Jarrett is completely enamoured with his cousin Daniel, we knew he would be an excellent big brother.

Unfortunately we also had to share the news of our loss with the children too.  We told them this baby wasn't healthy enough to join us around Christmas time, and we would just have to wait until sometime next year for a new baby.  They seem to be understanding, so far.

Why guilt? Well...

So I end up with guilt. Plenty of it. The only way I was able to move close to my family was to accept a job with a 45 minute commute. In the winter that commute turned into an hour. So, after that failed us completely as a family, I accepted a job that took me from a regular M-F day shift to a M-F evening shift. It was fabulous when Kaden was younger. I felt as if I were a SAHM. I spent the entire day with him, and his siblings when they came. As soon as school began I saw an additional benefit, I was able to volunteer in his classroom! I am able to do that now with Jailee's classroom too. But, I miss all the evening time with them. I miss all the after-school recaps of how the day went, what happened at school. I get a brief blurb, pried from their lips, as I drive them home after school. We unpack backpacks, try to catch up, all in the 15 minutes I have before I am expected to arrive at work, with a smile and energy.
That's where the guilt comes from. I feel like I miss so much. I feel as if I am depriving them of a "normal" childhood. One that is not spent with a nanny more than me. It's heartbreaking. It is the only way of life I have. A position on a different shift at my current employer may come open in 5+ years. If and only if - somebody has to retire. And can I last 5 more years of this?
I can't. We will be in the position financially, in 2 years to move. If nothing has changed in my employment by then, we will be moving. I wish for a "normal" childhood for my children. I need the time the nanny gets. I want family dinners. All the things that give me guilt now.
So there is light at the end of my tunnel coated in guilt. 2 years. Approximately. I have to stay on track and look for my goal at the end.
Family dinners.
Day shift.

The Guilt

So I missed Kaden's first baseball game, but miraculously I made it to his second game. And he struck out THREE times. Luckily, he is not the only one to strike out, but he did it 3 times. My heart breaks for him, he tries so hard, and can hit the ball when it is tossed to him, but the pitch coming from the pitching machine freaks him out. It's too fast for him. :(. Luckily this will only be a struggle for one more year, next year his league changes to player pitching. If he can make it that long. He nearly cried after batting and wouldn't even talk about it. :'(