Why guilt? Well...

So I end up with guilt. Plenty of it. The only way I was able to move close to my family was to accept a job with a 45 minute commute. In the winter that commute turned into an hour. So, after that failed us completely as a family, I accepted a job that took me from a regular M-F day shift to a M-F evening shift. It was fabulous when Kaden was younger. I felt as if I were a SAHM. I spent the entire day with him, and his siblings when they came. As soon as school began I saw an additional benefit, I was able to volunteer in his classroom! I am able to do that now with Jailee's classroom too. But, I miss all the evening time with them. I miss all the after-school recaps of how the day went, what happened at school. I get a brief blurb, pried from their lips, as I drive them home after school. We unpack backpacks, try to catch up, all in the 15 minutes I have before I am expected to arrive at work, with a smile and energy.
That's where the guilt comes from. I feel like I miss so much. I feel as if I am depriving them of a "normal" childhood. One that is not spent with a nanny more than me. It's heartbreaking. It is the only way of life I have. A position on a different shift at my current employer may come open in 5+ years. If and only if - somebody has to retire. And can I last 5 more years of this?
I can't. We will be in the position financially, in 2 years to move. If nothing has changed in my employment by then, we will be moving. I wish for a "normal" childhood for my children. I need the time the nanny gets. I want family dinners. All the things that give me guilt now.
So there is light at the end of my tunnel coated in guilt. 2 years. Approximately. I have to stay on track and look for my goal at the end.
Family dinners.
Day shift.

The Guilt

So I missed Kaden's first baseball game, but miraculously I made it to his second game. And he struck out THREE times. Luckily, he is not the only one to strike out, but he did it 3 times. My heart breaks for him, he tries so hard, and can hit the ball when it is tossed to him, but the pitch coming from the pitching machine freaks him out. It's too fast for him. :(. Luckily this will only be a struggle for one more year, next year his league changes to player pitching. If he can make it that long. He nearly cried after batting and wouldn't even talk about it. :'(