So I end up with guilt. Plenty of it. The only way I was able to move close to my family was to accept a job with a 45 minute commute. In the winter that commute turned into an hour. So, after that failed us completely as a family, I accepted a job that took me from a regular M-F day shift to a M-F evening shift. It was fabulous when Kaden was younger. I felt as if I were a SAHM. I spent the entire day with him, and his siblings when they came. As soon as school began I saw an additional benefit, I was able to volunteer in his classroom! I am able to do that now with Jailee's classroom too. But, I miss all the evening time with them. I miss all the after-school recaps of how the day went, what happened at school. I get a brief blurb, pried from their lips, as I drive them home after school. We unpack backpacks, try to catch up, all in the 15 minutes I have before I am expected to arrive at work, with a smile and energy.
That's where the guilt comes from. I feel like I miss so much. I feel as if I am depriving them of a "normal" childhood. One that is not spent with a nanny more than me. It's heartbreaking. It is the only way of life I have. A position on a different shift at my current employer may come open in 5+ years. If and only if - somebody has to retire. And can I last 5 more years of this?
I can't. We will be in the position financially, in 2 years to move. If nothing has changed in my employment by then, we will be moving. I wish for a "normal" childhood for my children. I need the time the nanny gets. I want family dinners. All the things that give me guilt now.
So there is light at the end of my tunnel coated in guilt. 2 years. Approximately. I have to stay on track and look for my goal at the end.
Family dinners.
Day shift.
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