Second Time Around Sucks Just as Much

You'd think that on the second time around, it would be easier.  It's not.

I lost my fifth pregnancy on May 16th, this is the second time.  I would have been 7 weeks and 6 days.  I was due December 27, which will be a hard day this year.  It is the day before my daughter's 7th birthday, and also the day I thought I would have brought a new blessing into our lives, hopefully a baby girl, to bless J with the little sister she has always wanted.  Now December 27th will be just another day.  I probably will be the only one who remembers it was supposed to be something different.

The week that has passed since the miscarriage has been difficult, of course.  I am numb.  Lost.  I am not sure what I want now.  I *KNEW* I wanted another child, another baby to love, and to help grow into a beautiful person.  Now that has been taken from me, I want to avoid the pain I am currently experiencing.  What are the odds?  Will this happen again?  Is it because I am "old"?  Because I am fat?  Why did this happen?  How can I ensure it won't happen again?  The only *for sure* answer is to not get pregnant again.  Is that what I want?

I wonder, think, ponder, that this happened because my hormones are not correct.  I have too much body fat.  So that generally means=I have too much estrogen.  Too much of a certain hormone will not make a pregnancy easier.  So now I wonder, what do I do?  Something drastic?  Something middle-of-the-road?  I know I want the easiest and quickest way to get a healthy pregnancy, but what is that?  I hace the constant desire to not be as "fat" to be healthier.  But how do I get there?  And how will I have the strength to get there?  I have lost weight before, and I end up where I am now anyways, unsuccessful, and still fat.  Why even bother?  Well, now it has more significance.  That is why I wonder, should I do something more drastic?

I have a handful of friends who have had bariatric surgery.  Which has been sucessful for them.  But with a HUGE financial cost.  The quickest way is to get a personal loan, and pay out of pocket.  The longer road is to get the insurance to pay for it, and then pay a smaller out-of-pocket expense, but still not a small amount.  Is that how I will have a successful pregnancy?

My biological clock is ticking.  Is this the time to make some sacrifices for myself, to take the time and get me healthy, via a bariatric surgery?  Or do I attempt (as I have *multiple* times in the past) a diet?  I attempted both roads before.  I didn't qualify for a personal loan, to pay out of pocket.  I am sure I could now.  And what other means do I have? 

I need to be healthy.  Right now, to me, that means I need to lose weight.  Then get pregnant.  Once something is taken from you, doesn't everybody just want it back??  I want it back, but better.  I want a healthy pregnancy.  I am so lost right now, the road to that is blurred, but I will find it.

Try Try Again....

Well, unfortunately our attempt to add another baby to our lovely family in 2012 has ended.

We started trying to conceive in Jaunary, with the excitement and promise of a beautiful baby.  We were not successful until our third cycle in March.  That is definately not a long time to try, just hard to do when we are sometimes on opposite shifts.  We were so excited!  The prospect of 2 cousins born close together was exciting, and the thought of sharing my  pregnancy with my sister was an unexpected blessing.

We were so excited we shared the news before the 12th week with our family and close friends.  We had even told the kids, and they were so excited.  Jarrett is completely enamoured with his cousin Daniel, we knew he would be an excellent big brother.

Unfortunately we also had to share the news of our loss with the children too.  We told them this baby wasn't healthy enough to join us around Christmas time, and we would just have to wait until sometime next year for a new baby.  They seem to be understanding, so far.