Second Time Around Sucks Just as Much

You'd think that on the second time around, it would be easier.  It's not.

I lost my fifth pregnancy on May 16th, this is the second time.  I would have been 7 weeks and 6 days.  I was due December 27, which will be a hard day this year.  It is the day before my daughter's 7th birthday, and also the day I thought I would have brought a new blessing into our lives, hopefully a baby girl, to bless J with the little sister she has always wanted.  Now December 27th will be just another day.  I probably will be the only one who remembers it was supposed to be something different.

The week that has passed since the miscarriage has been difficult, of course.  I am numb.  Lost.  I am not sure what I want now.  I *KNEW* I wanted another child, another baby to love, and to help grow into a beautiful person.  Now that has been taken from me, I want to avoid the pain I am currently experiencing.  What are the odds?  Will this happen again?  Is it because I am "old"?  Because I am fat?  Why did this happen?  How can I ensure it won't happen again?  The only *for sure* answer is to not get pregnant again.  Is that what I want?

I wonder, think, ponder, that this happened because my hormones are not correct.  I have too much body fat.  So that generally means=I have too much estrogen.  Too much of a certain hormone will not make a pregnancy easier.  So now I wonder, what do I do?  Something drastic?  Something middle-of-the-road?  I know I want the easiest and quickest way to get a healthy pregnancy, but what is that?  I hace the constant desire to not be as "fat" to be healthier.  But how do I get there?  And how will I have the strength to get there?  I have lost weight before, and I end up where I am now anyways, unsuccessful, and still fat.  Why even bother?  Well, now it has more significance.  That is why I wonder, should I do something more drastic?

I have a handful of friends who have had bariatric surgery.  Which has been sucessful for them.  But with a HUGE financial cost.  The quickest way is to get a personal loan, and pay out of pocket.  The longer road is to get the insurance to pay for it, and then pay a smaller out-of-pocket expense, but still not a small amount.  Is that how I will have a successful pregnancy?

My biological clock is ticking.  Is this the time to make some sacrifices for myself, to take the time and get me healthy, via a bariatric surgery?  Or do I attempt (as I have *multiple* times in the past) a diet?  I attempted both roads before.  I didn't qualify for a personal loan, to pay out of pocket.  I am sure I could now.  And what other means do I have? 

I need to be healthy.  Right now, to me, that means I need to lose weight.  Then get pregnant.  Once something is taken from you, doesn't everybody just want it back??  I want it back, but better.  I want a healthy pregnancy.  I am so lost right now, the road to that is blurred, but I will find it.